PISCES - The Partner for Life (February 19 to March 20)
Caring and kind. Smart. Likes to be the centre of attention. Very organized. High appeal to opposite sex. Likes to have the last word. Good to find, but hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. VERY caring. They always try to do the right thing and sometimes get the short end of the stick. They sometimes get used by others and get hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good sense of humour!!! Thoughtful. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to others but needs to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be.
Monday was fine.
Tuesday I woke up around 7:45 in a state of panic. I don’t know why. Maybe I had an awful dream? I can’t remember my dream. Maybe I remembered something horrible. I can’t remember. My heart was racing. I felt terrified. I just wanted to run and hide. I wanted my mom. I wanted to run into her arms and have her hold me and tell me that she was there and that everything would be alright. She was on her way to work. I hurried into my bathroom. I felt sick. My stomach hurt. My whole body was trembling. I couldn’t control it. I felt like the whole world was crumbling down, caving in on me. I could hear my mom shutting her bedroom door. Walking down the hall. Starting down the stairs. My body wouldn’t stop violently shaking. Heart still racing. I just wanted her to somehow know that I was in desperate need of her comfort. I’m an adult. I’m 21 years old. I need to grow up. I have to get this under control. I have to learn how to calm myself down. What am I going to do when I live alone? When my mom is no longer psychically here on this earth? No! I tell myself to suck it up. Get yourself under control. My mind is polluted with these racing thoughts. I can’t stop them. I hear my mom in the kitchen. I can hear her heels clicking against the tile. She’s probably filling her coffee container. Mixing in the creamer. Tightening the lid. Grabbing a banana or a granola bar. I hear the distinctive squeak of our garage door. I’m trying to calm myself. I’m praying. Locked in the bathroom. My stomach hurts. My heart is racing. My body is trembling, shaking. I’m scared for my life. Why? Why am I scared? I want my mom. I hear the garage door shut. What the fuck is wrong with me? I took my medications last night. I swear I took all of my pills last night. Four white. One yellow. One green. Swallow. I swear I took my meds last night. Why is this happening? I hear the garage door rising. It’s noisy. I hear the two beeps of her car. It’s unlocked. She’s probably inside now. Behind the wheel. Putting the key in the ignition. I hear the car start. She’s probably shifting the gear into reverse. I hear the garage door lowering. I’m terrified. I’m in the bathroom. Trying to catch my breath. My heart is racing. Impending doom. My mom is probably long gone by now. I can’t seem to pull myself together. I pull my pants up. Take some deep breaths. Go over to the sink. Wash my hands, Take some deep breaths. I go into my parent’s room. My dad is getting ready for work. I know I can’t really talk to my dad about the state I’m in. As much as he loves me, he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t agree with my medication use. He thinks it’s all in my head. He asks me what’s up. I don’t know exactly what to say. I’m having a panic attack. He just looks at me. I don’t think he knows what to say. He apologizes. I try to sit down and focus on the television. The news is on. I can’t concentrate. My trembling has calmed down. I feel dizzy. My heart is still racing. My thoughts are running through my head at the speed of light. I start shaking violently again. I want my mom. I need her. My dad doesn’t understand. I leave their room. I feel like I’m going to die. I’m terrified. I’m scared out of my mind. I absolutely have no idea why this is happening. I think that’s part of what terrifies me. I’m confused. I climb back into my bed. I want to run and hide. I want to feel safe. I don’t want to feel like this. I want my mom. I hate feeling this way. Why does this happen to me? I’m searching for answers. Am I overwhelmed? Am I stressed out? Am I worried? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I can’t get you out of my mind. I wish I could just delete you from my memory so I wouldn’t have such painful moments to look back on. I love you. I’ve always truly loved you. I’ve never been given the chance to fall in love with you but I love you. That probably makes no sense whatsoever. You’ll always be near and dear to my heart. I’ll always care about you, no matter what you do. No matter who you’re with. I knew I wanted you from the moment I saw you. The second I thought I had you, my heart exploded with joy. Yet in the back of my mind I knew…I knew that you would never really feel the same way. Your heart would never skip a beat at the sight of me the same way mine does when I even see a glimpse of you. The thought of you made me smile. I ignored all the warning signs. I knew my heart would be broken. But I love you so I held on to whatever sliver of yourself you gave to me. I knew you would break my heart. I knew you never really cared about me. I did this to myself. I’m stupid as fuck for throwing my heart at you when I knew you wouldn’t either bother to try and catch it or even pick it up off the ground. You’re an asshole. You’re a piece of shit. You’re a liar. But I still love you.
A. What are your favourite smells?
-fabric softener, clean laundry, laundry detergent
B. Can you go a whole day without caffeine?
-yeah, of course
C. Who knows more about you than anyone else?
D. What song did you last listen to?
- have faith in me ADTR
E. Do you have a crush on anybody?
F. Do you like The Beatles?
G. If you could choose one color to wear for a whole year, what color would you choose?
-black (even though it’s a tone and not an actual color…so does it count?)
H. Do you cook often?
I. What was the last film you watched? Did you like it?
-the conjuring…’twas scary but I guess I liked it
J. Can you sew?
K. What is your favorite fruit?
L. Are you health conscious?
-sort of, I guess
M. Go do the Kinsey scale test, what number result did you receive?
- big fat 0
N. Do you curse a lot?
-depends…i guess so
O. When was the last time you had a pint of beer?
P. Are you pro life or pro choice?
Q. Is there a certain food you often crave for no reason?
-can’t think of just one in particular… lately maybe grapes
R. What was the last book you purchased?
S. Where was your last vacation?
T. Do you shave your pits?
U. Did you ever play seven minutes in heaven?
V. Girls, when was the last time you went out without a bra?
W. Guys, when was the last time you went shirtless in public?
X. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how did it happen?
-my toes; safe cart-wheel landing fail
Y. How do you like your eggs?
Z. What was your last argument about and who with?
-not wanting to go to the movies, my parents
I see pictures of you online wearing a chicken suit. That’s how I know what you are doing. You act like you are too busy to see me, yet I’m alone in my bed tonight while you are out. I make up excuses for you, I let myself believe that you are busy and that’s why we can’t see each other. I’m the…